Empty File

Often, a seemingly innocent remark or act creates a cascade of unintended consequences for me.  I use to write ‘us’ in such situations but I'm not talking for others now.  I'll share with you, that my friend sent me a brief note with a file attached.  I opened the file and there was nothing there....so I felt inclined to comment on my reaction: For your amusement ~

            Imagine the disappointment in opening a file and finding it empty?  It reminds me of the time I once again enlisted into living a healthier life. It seemed as if everything I liked to eat possessed the combined 'bad stuff' affecting living well, bound up into it.  To do better it’s important to remove THOSE things from my diet so I could live the beneficial healthy- chain-of-endless-sunny days. Vividly I recall pundits broadcasting everywhere to the general public to abstain from too much salt...No fat...  No sugar…and consequently…No taste.  Seems no matter what one tries to guard themselves from dying too soon, no taste comes along for the ride.  As if the unwritten social contract was; it had to taste bad to be good for us. But as I was reflecting on what the intent of this message was, I realized I was once more in the closet of my mind asking,

   " What am I doing here?" 

  Patting myself on the back with congratulations that at least while I am confused, I have clothes on...this time anyway; and in my OWN closet no less!  I digress once more....Empty file...yes, empty attached file is liken those fat fee, salt free, (an-duh) taste free potato chips.  I know...I've the scars to prove it. 

   Here’s my point: very close to the heart of my appreciation for this great nation's ability to come up with some real swell inventions, such as air conditioning, cable TV, and the double header, is my bedrock personal awe at perfecting the American Potato Chip.  While the rest of the planet struggles with getting clean water and electricity to its populace, Good Ol' US of A singularly occupies the outer edges of personal indulgences; developing softer toilet tissue, new and improved laundry detergents, and of course, the unburned-every-one-of-'em-perfect potato chips; and darn if they aren't better now than those of my youth! 

    In order to embrace the healthy policy, it is necessary to purchase only items with 'nothing in here will kill ya’ ingredients; which pretty much rules out potato chips no matter how you slice it.  Ignoring that America has no rival in producing the best potato chips in the world, I am acutely aware that chips are bad for anyone to eat in great quantities.  Oh, and they just so happen to be the most addictive substances on the planet.  The advertisement isn’t kidding, " Bet you can't eat just one!"  Heck, I'd divulge the secret to our nuclear deterrence strategy, (if I knew it), for that bag of Lays!  Not that it'd help any...we figured long ago that to really be mean, we'd let our enemies learn self indulgence...now That's hateful!  Wait until their populations get stuck on potato chips!  Then we'll have them on their knees!             

  So anyway, I find this bag of chips that claims not to have the fat, salt, or anything that would interrupt Mother Nature’s balance of well-being.  I'm salivating, because America also makes things look good on the package.  I've lost count of how many times I honestly considered trying out the tempting delicious looking morsels on the package of my doggie treats.  You have to figure; those pictures are NOT for the dog.  They're colorblind!  So I look at the picture plastered on the chips...Yummy, Bar-B-Cue! 

My favorite!  I developed that affection when I was stationed with the Army in Germany.  Back then we couldn't get the abundance of snack foods available in the US.  Back then you couldn't get a REAL Coke...you had to live with the 'licensed to produce in the Federal Republic of Germany' version, which was unanimously voted...crap!  And no matter how hard they tried, they COULD NOT make American Quality Bar-B-Cue potato chips.  So abysmal were their attempts, they even tried to hide the fact and call them Paprika chips...HA I knew what they were up to, and they STILL tasted like Crap!  So when I did rotate back to the states, I found I just couldn't get enough of those wonderful American Bar-B-Cue chips.  If I were asked, and should there be a holocaust, what modern convince would I miss the most?  It wouldn't be my TV...or even my computer.... (Reluctantly) but I swear I could write on paper!  I know I can!  But Bar-B-Cue potato chips?  Well, friend, the tears well up!

            I stare at the package, and the photo looks delicious.  Piles of the beauties.  I hold it in my lap and gaze on them, (no chips in the car) I get home, and before the garage door is closed, I'm ripping open that bag like an airborne ranger dropping from a screaming low flying night drop.... meaning..." Pow, dig, shove"

            I'm chopping merrily going for the second sortie, when suddenly my taste buds-to-brain connection rings out an alarm....

   " Hey what is this crap?"

Sure enough, the salt free, fat free potato chip was like eating fall leaves.  I remember my mind screaming at me in disgust,

   " Gwad! You should have KNOWN!!!! They left out all the GOOOD STUFFFF!!!" 

  I slowly finished chewing my leaves.  Then hand the bag to my son, (who like his dad, eagerly dove into the bag, expecting the same fat high that comes with the potato chip addiction) He too had a similar reaction.  He looked up at me with that hurt betrayed expression.  ‘ You'd do this to your son?’ 

  So dear friend, as I stare at the empty file I recall the fat free Bar-B-Cue potato chip experience.  The memory is still vivid, the memory still stings.  Kinda like life's big lessons, one important one being, keep expectations in check; or you’ll begin to think things are never as good as we hope; then what we do get will always come as a surprise.  I've given up on something for nothing notion too.  I figure someone is just toying with my dreams.  Most times I’m right.