Fresh Start

I go back to that place ~ when I became aware; to what degree? 

I am.

  In a short time, I realized I had needs that I myself could not fulfill; in that place knew fear of sufficiency.  The awareness watched, sought solution, then when sustenance came for my physical experience; considered all it had witnessed; and in that moment was calmed.  In a short span of time discomfort to my physical experience once more alerted by sensory perception of a pressing need. It descended upon my being; an unwelcome yearning that I could not abate. I was again threatened by fear of sufficiency, considering once more options for my relief.  I cried out in my frustration; as if on command my needs were met; this did not go without notice. 

  It began to dawn upon my awareness I had effect on my environment, so I surmised to separate the tangible presence of myself and what I was not.  As experience layered upon experience my self began to fashion a concept.  It was a sorting out of those events appearing to happen on their own, contrasting with those that I would have to influence in order to happen.  Those events that met my needs without effort were pleasant; those that did not persisted, causing me discomfort, angst, and suffering. 

  As experience continued, I developed trust in those comforts that were pleasing; I gained tools to lessen the periods of discomfort. When my desires were ignored, they grew into urgent wants; then pressing need; so I was cued to act. I derived that this was the way of being, so I became preoccupied with obtaining the pleasant, and resisting the unpleasant. It was the beginning of acknowledging what was ‘me’ and what was not; what I possessed, I called ‘mine’ and what remained was to be obtained for my comfort. My self-image was crystallizing as I began the arduous road of assumption where I must struggle to survive; along with a belief I must create a method to navigate past that which would prevent my comfort. 

  In these initial steps I began to define; using my experience, compared results against desire, so then I could determine what my boundaries would be…what would be admitted into acceptance; what would be defended against.  Here was the intentional creation of who I would be.  It was here, at the choosing juncture where my selfish ways would reap rewards for reaching my objectives; or cause pain when I failed to secure them.  The evidence of my success would dictate my application of this concept, as a lifetime of fear would be heralded into existence as the real.  It would be a long time suffering until reason prompted me to consider other possibilities existing outside my cherished and dependable fear that ruled me; the stage in which I created was but a concept I concluded to be truth.  

Waiting quietly for me to release this preoccupation, was to be discovered as love; the actual environment of my existence.  Fear had eclipsed its presence; as for some remains the only motivator to action still.