Personal Debt

Decades ago…not just years, I took an offer from the military to settle for an annuity to leave rather than stay in and be subject to being asked to leave under a Reduction In Forces initiative that was taking place. I took the annuity believing that our association had run its course and the fun had been taxed out. Yet, as life proves to me over and again things are not as they seemed, before long I was back in the Army as a reservist taking yearly activation contracts to work special projects. Those years combined into the opportunity for me to request admission into a program called Sanctuary; that program was one where I could remain on the active rolls of the Army until I obtained the coveted 20 years of service that entitled me ‘retirement’ status.

What I didn’t plan for was the consequences of returning back to active duty after taking money to not make a retirement claim later. Short version is, the Defense Finance Services has informed me they want those years of payment back. Not only that, they really don’t need my permission or agreement. They’re taking it out of my retirement pay.

Ouch, and Great. Ouch being that it invades and affects viewed retirement time I planned to allocate to personal pursuits; and Great, with the challenge to find employment again. Intermingled in those extremes are the voices of ‘fairness’ along with ‘fear, dread, and inadequacy.’  Isn’t that the nature of our doubtful worthiness anyway? After surfacing from the indignation, (as in double checking "Can they do that?") The idea surfaced that this was now an adventure.

As if stepping away from the heat of an open furnace, I felt a sense of relief. Not that I have offers pounding on my door; I don’t. And not that I have a fool proof plan; far from it ~ I am totally in the dark as to what next. What has arrived is the saliva producing possibilities of the unknown that I had forgotten accompanies risk with confidence.

In a fashion, I am saved by my situation. Where from another point of view, or a lacking sense of competence, I might plead for someone to help me extract myself from the unfair situation I was tossed and help me remain in my exacting rigid dream. Far from it, I welcome the terror. Sounds funny now doesn’t it?

My wife and I were watching a CD of Cesar Millan’s Dog Whisperer the other night. In it, he mentioned that dog’s don’t have a dream of a perfect world, where they have a perfect yard to roam in and all their needs are anticipated. What they wanted, he said, was for every day to be an adventure. I thought right then, and into the here and now. “That’s for me”. As I savor that resolution I know there will continue to be invitations for me to be doubtful, disheartened and uncertain. That’s just the environment of being a human. On those occasions, I can go to my pack and find wisdom and instructions from those I trust and cherish; so that too is a gift. I wanted to catch this resolve today to reinforce a greater life mission; and that would be to live well. 

I just suspect an adventure has to be cloaked in the unknown in order to deliver the thrill. I also think the zeal would be diminished if my adventure was too well planned and far too predictable;  Who knows, maybe I’ll end up in Savannah?