I
was watching an interview in which a relationship expert, (aka an ex-divorce
lawyer) had recently written a book on developing relationship
communication. Obviously their point of
view was from witnessing what wasn’t working.
And the author made sweeping statements that serve all relationships; most
of it pretty obvious. Things like,
respect, and demonstrated care are self evident to anyone who has been around
for even a little while. Yet, the
discussion reminded me of reading an email about what were the most important
words to use; you know what I mean; it traveled the Internet circuit forwarded
from subscriber to subscriber, like the serenity prayer. Anyway, here is my own precious-important
word pyramid encompassing five levels of key words that build a monument to a
sound (and fun) relationship.
The
most important word, to me is, Please. Far too often we grow
accustomed to our benefits and take them for granted; that includes a partner
who desires to make life easier, and even, simpler for the one they care
about. I’ve witnessed (from both sides)
the sin of omission in expressing simple courtesy of asking for what we want;
making the familiarity a demand for performance. I believe being treated that way, at some
sublime level, strips away the vanish of compatibility. Getting treated with dismissal
and demeaning comments devalue the individual who is present by their free
volition. It’s a needful ingredient for
a sense of appreciation.
The
next two words would be sincerely expressed; I Apologize. The author I referred to earlier also
mentioned that to render an apology in the context of expressing a sincere
regret for applying misinterpreted intent; (often the single source of greatest
strife); as well as proposing an improved future behavior. So it’s not just the nodding acquaintance to
the phrase, “I’m sorry” that is necessarily important, as it is the attitude of
explaining what will be a better behavior in the future that makes apologies
work so well to soothe hurt feelings.
Thirdly, who
needs to be told the importance of uttering I love you? Yet, it’s
true that not everyone speaks the same love language, as was pointed out by
Gary Chapman in his book; The Five Love
Languages. As it is not for us to keep speaking a language our partner
doesn’t understand, but rather to coach them in ours, along with learning
theirs.
My favorite
discovery was this, You crack me up. Like rain makes plants grow, so does humor refreshes growth and vibrancy
in a relationship; it dispels tension and distills confrontational
attitude. We all need help in finding
the humor in life’s quirky fashion of revealing our intense and mistaken need
to control that which we do not control; to command that which is not subordinate;
and possess that which cannot be claimed.
When we find our way to laughter, we have found our way to coping in a
world that proves itself indifferent to our complaints; our protest; our never
ending demands. Having someone help us
reorient, is more precious than gold.
These, are tools enough to cultivate a precious place; a home to our
hearts; a watershed to our hopes.
The ultimate test of a relationship is to disagree but
to hold hands. ~Alexandra
Penny
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