Some
nights are just plain odd....they can deliver an antacid feeling of dread
without warning. I've deployed so many times I can't count, and those
times I was in command, it seemed as if every night I would wonder if I had
done enough? Did I miss something where my soldiers would have been better off
if I had tried? In all those isolated moments that spanned almost 3
decades it seems like an endless visit by unwelcomed guest who refused to be
satisfied along with reticence to leaving. I vividly recall watching Luke
prepare to move to Boston. His eager anxiety was so palatable I wanted to take
some of that on for myself; but of course that’s now how the portions are
handed out now are they?
Perhaps because I knew his choice was a milestone
of life. Like a spelling bee where the limelight of now
finds its target. No more bullshit, no more delays and excuses.
Deliver! Can't even say "Or
not" It is not an option; the crowd has thinned and the finger is pointing
as the name announces, "Your turn"
Performance anxiety? Ah, heck, let me dig
for labels....'king of personal destiny?' Just the tempest of things that
can be done, do I want to do? Along with how will all of this pan out? Who hasn’t tried to second guess the
unwritten future? Do I masquerading in my own life even now? Challenged to live without the comfort of
having someone nearby to ask? Or to point to as reason for delaying action?
The armor of a parent is that actions can be said to be taken for the welfare
of the 'family.' It relieves the need for an individual to croak out what
it is they personally want. Grown to be unfamiliar
with the clarity and brevity of actions impacting only one person; self.
Eager to get my hands on something new?
Sure, like driving to Disneyland bouncing on
the seat with childlike excitement. But subtle is the good-bye to
something I've grown comfortable with, even if it is something I’ve abandoned; left
to gather dust in an obscure corner of my home. The security of knowing it is ready when I am
somehow perpetuates my delusion where I have to get ready to leave; when all I
really must do
Is let go.
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