I have a friend who was introduced to one of the great losses any of us can experience; the death of a parent. Having passed through that threshold myself a few years back I felt kinship similar to the select club of motherhood; giving birth creates the specific bond. But I didn’t broach this topic to wax prose, but to follow a thread of thought her admission sparked. She told me of the family recognizing that she was the closest of the siblings to their father as she spoke of her having cried all her tears out.
In my studies of the human condition; how we learn; how we feel, I could never distill the consummate truth upon which I might construct a concept answering all of my many questions; alas it eludes me still. But for all the competing and contradicting propositions that exist, one remains consistent to my comprehension. We are the masters of our choices. How does that relate to the issue of tears of sorrow?
There isn’t a single overarching agreement on which of our emotions are primary, and which are secondary; a distinction of measurement can be based on what order of arrival; mostly the element of time to think about an experienced event. Primary emotions are those that we feel first, as a first response to a situation. Thus, if we are threatened, we may feel fear. When we hear of a death, we are saddened. They are unthinking, instinctive responses that we have. We will typically see these in animals also, which confirms the suspicion that they have an evolutionary basis.
Primary emotions are important because they provide us with information about our current situation and motivate us to act in some way. We can look at our primary emotions as a human survival mechanism. If we do not allow ourselves the expression of our primary emotions we at best fail to thrive; living a meager detached existence at the worst. When the primary emotions become secondary emotions (which they inevitably do), we cause damage to ourselves and others.
Secondary emotions are not there to help us. They hinder us. They are the emotions we have in response to a primary emotion not being recognized or expressed. A good example of that would be a stoic disposition of almost indifference as reaction to the news of the loss of a close other. Secondary emotions can be derived by listening to our inner dialogue. When we feel uncomfortable with the expression of a primary emotion, our inner judgmental voice kicks in. What does it say?
Primary emotions can be extremely pleasant and they can also be extremely unpleasant. Crucial to understanding our emotional reactions and how we behave, either in a healthy and self-actualizing way, or conversely in an unhealthy detrimental way, is being aware of our primary emotions and that they all have value. They are important clues to our humanity and growth on a personal level as well as interpersonally and socially. A secondary emotion is what occurs when we don't value, listen to, or respond to our primary emotions. If we do not express the primary emotion it does not go away. We may not express it for a variety of reasons. It may be because of habit from our past (emotional blocks from childhood, family, school, society or relationships and past hurts), or it may be because we are in a social or work situation in which it is not acceptable or safe to express the primary emotion, or it could be because our current situation blocks us from expressing it (i.e. it is not accepted by a partner). If that were not bad enough, in the long term, we get into a pattern of not even recognizing the primary emotion anymore because our dysfunctional voice has infiltrated completely. A defining characteristic of secondary emotions is they do not pass quickly. They tend to stick around for a long time. They do not provide us with a useful way of interacting and growing.
In addition, secondary emotions are problematic in that they interfere with us getting information from our primary emotional responses and acting on those emotions in healthy ways. As a result, they often lead us to try to avoid our emotions and cause damage to ourselves and our relationships. I believe the struggle in accepting our emotions, even if they are contrary to our wishes, is that it bridges our necessary growth into acceptance of how things actually are. As we resist, through this discussion of primary or secondary emotions, what matters is our effort to cope with our situation. If we deny what is actual, through our effort to create an alternate reality; we will suffer. Some would say needlessly, but I think that suffering purges us from resisting what is real. As we become disillusioned, when our fantasy is burned away, such as when we’ve cried our tears out, what is left is the always welcoming real.
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