Radical Economizing

I just read, about a cost cutting effort by Delta Airlines; they've decided to
change some of their policy and procedures. 

    There had been a panic moratorium to food service invoked just the
other day by ARA a main airline services provider, under rumors of Delta
asking for debt protection under Chapter 11 bankruptcy laws.  Consequently
the only beverage offered on flights would be alcohol.  Having lost three
planes already to the change in available beverages, the courts were pressed

to place an injunction forbidding such actions by the service provider.
Seems the flight crews just couldn't hold their liquor on long flights, and
judges and lawyers fly extensively.
    In the wake of such drastic changes, Delta has announced that to
improve their economic standing they will no longer land their planes with
passengers still on board.  Spokesman for Delta stated that the physics of
flight dictates more fuel is expended when landing a laden aircrafts so in
an effort at cost cutting the airlines operational expenses, and fuel being
one of the largest of those cost, they will institute a new NO LAND policy immediately.   Delta will provide to each of its customers, at a fractional cost, one
parachute. 

   "The incident of injury should be minimal"

  The spokesman when on to say, "We consider the savings worth the risk of injury, or in some extreme cases deaths of our customers that may inadvertently occur by chuts falling into power lines, large bodies of water, or the general happenstance of taking a bad landing"
  Fortunately this policy will only apply to the outlining services airports
that are marginal to Delta's overall economic solvency.  When asked if this
was a violation of their public trust, Delta spokesperson replied,

  "well, when you consider the survival of our retirement and pay packages, I think we at Delta are willing to go the distance to make sure our airlines
survives." 

  He added, " Heck, we're not insensitive to the loss of those
that get injured or killed, we are poised to send cards of condolences and
hopes for speed recovery to those that get killed or injured"
   "we are, consequently, also investigating a very large sling shot to launch
our planes, we think that will further reduce the expense of fuel"

Delta is ready when you are....even if you're not

 

* I must add that this bit of wordsmithing is whimsical and that no animals or dignity of industries were injured in its creation for the April Fool’s debut.