It's All in the Words

 Now I’ve been studying job advertisement boards for some time now. Besides the feeling there is a dire need for job-application-writers, I’m beginning to get worn down by the seemingly nonsensical titles that are being posted. I’m not talking about the straight forward endeavors; plumber, nurse, cook. Those don’t need a lot of massaging or fluff. I mean, I know our world is becoming more complicated, and so processes are complex and difficult to define.  But really, people are pretty much the same. They give orders or they follow them; today, I’m just not being convinced companies out there announcing vacancies really know exactly what they are looking for. For instance: (my mental muttering are in italics.)

   Senior Product Manager, Data Networking Service (I genuinely feel these are two very different skill sets. Are they trying to sneak two jobs into one paycheck?)

Applications Engineer- Controls (Not to be confused with the Applications Engineer who is in charge of mayhem, chaos, and oblivion)

Director of Coding-Prof: HIM/CODING (I’m guessing that obviously I don’t know what the acronym for type of coding this job entails, so it’s rather quite plane I don’t have the education, experience, or creative cajones to bluff my way into an interview for the position; one of those, “if you have to ask you’re in the wrong place” type of situation.)

MIS Software Sys Analyst/I Sr. Business Analyst (Frankly, I couldn’t sort this one out.  Has something to do with computer code and how it’s not working right, that’s my guess… oh and I’m also supposing the one to says things are running amok must be someone with some business acuity…again…is this an amalgam position?[amalgam is commonly known as bonded amalgam; use to be very popular in dentistry until the mercury alloy began to poison patients and then there was all kinds of fuss over using such dangerous material.])

Program Director (I have seen a number of these ruses. It looks like a straight forward position of managing company programs, but it’s really a cleverly disguised ploy to lure someone into becoming a Director of coding position since the use of the word program could also mean, if not articulated, computer programs…sneaky, I know.)

Implementation Manager (If ever there was a position as fall guy this would be it.  I guess they didn’t want to give away the scheme by saying Patsy)

Dispatcher Comm/Resi-2172 ( I addressed the notion of having to ask means you’re not qualified to apply; but really, can you imagine telling people at a party what you do?  “Why yes, I’m a Resi-2172, and what do you do?”)

Change Management (Another swell notion, up there with Unicorn tender or Retarded Dolphin Rehabilitator. Change can be managed about as well as cats can be herded)

Jr. Account Manager-Marketing Management.Sales (Please, just make up your mind what it is you want.)

Applications Systems Administrator (I read this often while on the toilet…it sounds so powerful, I just get all excited.  The real tasks for this position is to demonstrate being upset so well that others will feel guilty and do better.)

Chief Strategist-Medical Practice Management Division (What a string of non-complementing terms.  Individually they stand alone and comprehended by all; put them together and you get a fruit-pudding baked salad cocktail.) Senior Manager of Digital Marketing Analytics (I can count) Garnishment Supervisor (this was just too delicious to not include.  Really? Supervise garnishment? As in court order taking because said employee is delinquent in performing his civic duty?  Let me guess, let’s move this bloke to the vault…where we can really really trust him.  And oh, there are so many of these cases in the work force of this firm that they need someone to keep track of all of them.  Oh please, take me, take me, take me) Sr.Analyst, CRM (The buzzword for this decade is Analyst.  No granted the dictionary will define an analyst as One that analyzes. My gwad how diabolical, so let’s dig deeper; you mean as in examine methodically by separating into parts and studying their interrelations? And there’s that acronym meaning I don’t know what is being analyzed….clever password into the secret society of whatever it is they really really do; my guess? Fall guy.) Multi-Cultural Brand Manager ( Fall guy who will be asked to explain why everybody doesn’t purchase and love the glow in the dark condoms) Sr Analyst Taxonomy (Remember having to sort out what Analyst do right?  Examin methodically by separating into parts..blah blah blah..well in front of that gingerly place the definition of taxonomy; the science, laws or principles of classification, systematic…then if you can figure out what the deliverables are from this job then you must be made king right away…and I mean not just of the company but the planet.) Sr Manager Global Trade Compliance (You must speak Chinese) Sr Business Analyst IT-IT Merchandising (You must be able to describe in Chinese what a Sr Analyst Taxonomy does) Sales Support Representative (Another Fall guy for when sales don’t meet prediction.  “Well if we had adequate support we’d have succeeded”…OK, who gets the ax this week?) Enterprise Payroll Applications Support Analyst (It’s rather transparent that the job title folks had some titles left on the bottom of the Job-box at the end of the day and just had to string some together in order to grant themselves an early weekend) US Business Operations Leader-Information Technology Services (ITS) (If this isn’t an outright call for great quantities of alcohol I don’t know what is.  If any job seeker can muster up enthusiasm and excitement to actually apply for a job like this they are muddled.  They have no idea what the job is, but are desperate to get a resume out there so they can convince themselves that at least they’re still in the game.) Sr Business Analyst HR [COV] 42754 (Another attractive numbered profession.  I suddenly recall they give numbers to prisoners when they take the names away…is there….a connection?) Solutions Architect (cleverly disguised request for a mom) NET Technical Lead/Project Lead (be wary of any job that uses the same word twice in its title….lead…..they want someone to lead….kind of like the point man on a patrol in the jungle…..who of course takes the first round that gives the rest of the patrol a ghost of a chance to take cover.) VOD-QA Lead/Manager (I still don’t know what a VOD-QA is so I’m eliminated right there, and then of course the cursed word ‘lead’ appears and I’ve addressed THAT just recently, and of all things, their need is so acute for many of these kinds of fellows that they also need someone to corral them and point them in the direction of their purpose…grand) Immediate Opening for VOD-QA Manager in Atlanta, GA for CTH,FT. (Much like the wariness of double use of words in a title, is the word ‘immediate’ I always have this mental image of a guy in a suit screeching past the 10th floor window on his way to an appointment with the pavement.  They didn’t see the vacancy coming until he jumped….must have been denied that raise he was so counting on… Oh well….next?)

AL_Senior Database Administrator(IT) (This nearly makes sense.  It’s clear I don’t have any of the skill sets to manage a Database, or even administer those who do, unless being able to crack a whip qualifies, because I can do that.  My interest is anchored in them using my name Al. 

Obviously they want to send me a code that I can read and so put my bloody name right in the front.  I guess sky writing is out due to expense, but it would have been nice to see my name in cloud saying “come here and work for us”.  I think I’ll call it a day for now….don’t want to overtax a creative mind…there’s still other worldly mysteries to comment on.