Just Not Interested

   “You’re married, you know how to relate, what am I doing wrong?”

I had to sigh; I remember not so long ago that was my own protest to a relationship that was slipping out of my control; what was I doing wrong?

   I so desperately wanted it to work.  I too even resorted to talking about my situation to anyone who would listen; friends and strangers alike, hoping against facts that someone would see an avenue I didn't try ~ a magical twist in approach that would bring about my desired end state.  It was, and remains, wishful thinking that someone besides you can solve your issues.  But, in this case, I was the friend who was given the troublesome burden; hoped to shed light on a problem that refused resolution for having him be the way she wanted.

  I offered what little wisdom I could glean from my own mistaken interpretation about love.

   “To paraphrase ~ he's just not interested.”

It may have been too broad of an assessment to utter, so I had to fill in the blanks to orient her on a perspective of how romance can often mislead a couple who are ensnared by expectations and disappointments.

   “Now, I had to really get 'real' with my own once upon a time.  And perhaps this is one of those sameness things that might apply, but that will be for you to decide, so in no way am I claiming the sacred ‘always’ ground when commenting on what you tell be is the struggle you are facing or why love can be so hard.”

   “There was a time I loved her with everything I had, but you know, there were clear signs that she was not as she was speaking when saying she sought that unconditional blissfully TRUE love; she was seeking something altogether different. She sought the unspoken sanctuary, shelter, refuge, or what- EVER it was that would give her a sense of peace; that was the ticket for her.  It just wasn't love.  She spoke of love as if it held her 'salvation' and 'redemption' but those are just the contrast of her hurting, pain and desperate motivating points to her survival.”

   She made the humming noise of comprehension. As if I had read a passage from her script.  Whose lines were being read, I couldn’t tell, but I had established a familiarity in my reference points that she recognized. This provided both credibility by being someone who had a similar experience, so I was welcomed in commonality; a kinsmanship by shared battle experiences.

    “I have the feeling  that you are tangled up with one who was interacting with you under the same 'idealism' of love without real 'commitment' to its tenant; those principles that call for no compromises, no fear, and no hedging.  He just wasn't available to participate at that kind of level with you.  It isn’t about you, or a violated belief system.  He couldn't walk the walk...as you were at least willing to try.”

     “At the moment your love persists; because it refuses the chains of conditions.  He, on the other hand, may only know conditions and situations....in substitution for the freedom that love offers.  He is not blind to the choice of wisdom or ignorance...but prefers the comfort of suffering over the potential discomfort of taking responsibility for his happiness day to day; just as maybe you do.  Some do prefer to curse the darkness than light a candle...because even if frightening, the darkness has become known...some don't wish to be in the mystery; that notion is too terrifying. Recognize this is not about worth, it’s the most basic and simple case of different orientations.  If there is no sense or need to change; then none will be forthcoming. 

 You can’t dance with an unwilling partner, all you can ever do is invite; after that, screw up the courage to be able to walk away with some dignity if they decline in word or deed.”