The Sacred Moment

The sacred moment has relevance to the notion that one becomes clear to the potential in the present, living in the now; seeing the possibilities mixed with appreciation are considered a rare and spiritual moment one must aspire towards.  Mindfulness; is said to be a practice.  Authenticity; a condition of processing unbiased observation; but kindness is a release into our natural disposition.

  My father died three years ago on this very day. In my early morning reflections I recognized this auspicious moment for my family. I thought about my mother being alone; my older sisters having lost pretty much their best friend, and yes, my loss as well. The short version: I was sad.  I recalled a snapshot of our shared past. Not of him lifting me out of the ocean waves when I was a toddler; or when he gifted me cash to sustain me as I ventured to Southern California to pursue a career in music. Those are endeared moments that help even the scales for times I suckle on moments of his anger and abuse.  Not saying I was an abused child as much as I was part of the greater scheme of healing one another.  It was a specific recall that rippled sadness for me this morning. It involved the time my sister and I took him to the Emergency Room.   

  Early in the morning we arrived at my parent’s home intending on taking him to a pre-heart valve replacement operation orientation; scheduled for the following day.  When we walked into their living room we saw both of them sitting on the couch, waiting on us.  He looked so fragile, as my mother next to him wore a poorly hidden worry; occasionally she would stroke his hand. It was obvious he was in no condition to sit for a day of orientation, or anything else for that matter; instantly we decided to take him to the emergency room instead.  I clearly remember my mother saying good bye with concern in her voice, as she stood and watched him gingerly shuffle towards the door, not even turning around; he gruffly replied, “See Ya.” No hug, nor kiss, not even making eye contact to assuage her fear; he just walked out.  I remember it clearly because it struck me as rather callous. But then he must have been in extreme duress; that and their relationship had devolved to one of quibbling and fault finding that is seen as common with many older couples. Uncomfortable to observe, yet somehow it worked for them. I almost made comment, but my concern to get him to a doctor eclipsed my reaction; I was in earnest to get him to hospital.  Later that day he expired in the emergency room.  
  So in retrospect, I grieve that lost opportunity for him to convey his love to a woman who was his companion for over half a century.  The sorrow tightens my heart even now as I write these words.  In reflection now, I see that was his last gift to me. 

  It helped me to galvanize a promise to myself: I would never leave my love waiting on me without having conveyed my affection and appreciation by a simple, “I love you” on my way out the door.  It’s no secret to any of us that our ending may come as a surprise; an auto accident going to work, or back; a slip on the stairs at any of a number of places we frequent; a hidden aneurism whose introduction comes with a hearty laugh while eating lunch with a co-worker.  The point being, we will not be afforded precious moments to convey how we truly feel about another when in the midst of the downward spiral towards the end of all things.  My father’s passing allowed me to notice my own oversights and slights.

   I would be really super glad if I could live in perpetual appreciation for all the care and love around me.  Alas, I’m as easily distracted by my external trappings as the next fellow. One thing I am made wise to; and that is expressing my love to the one who has chose to be with me my remaining days.  So I seek to be aware, and not talk myself into self-serving delusions; to express kindness as often as I am able to remember; and to abandon my own taking love for granted.  Thereby not allowing a disrespect to love; a dismissive ‘see ya’ as substitute for a genuine ‘I adore you.’  I’m richer for having the comparison to keep me on track to living in my own sacred moments.