Change of Situation

I received a letter from a distant friend.

Where in sharing their situation with me, I saw myself; how I had been, not too long ago.

  Yet I sensed the subtle change from the way I had grown accustomed to judging and distinguishing myself by current conditions. 

The words he used woven of a fellowship born from past hurts.  The gravity attracted with similar complaint I used to suckle; those born from current constraints and difficulties in adapting to the unexpected and unwanted.  I too used to find a sense of comfort in having another listen to my protest; encouraged, as it were, with familiarity in shared suffering.

I nodded as I read, acknowledging the companionship in feeling desperate; that acrid inner aching for someone-anyone to understand; just so as to not feel neglected, or worst of it, abandoned, or even, for God’s sake, alone with an inkling notion of being quiet literally mad. I've grown to understand more about the conditions with which we shape our lives; claiming still ~ I know nothing, I am familiar with the driving desire to connect with others; we resort to any theme available.

  Is it any wonder how in misery we focus and pick on our wounds?  I've been hurt, captive to the notion that constant attention to pain would somehow leach the poison out; Oh, and then I'd magically become healed; again whole.  

   Years ago I had read that we humans are habit forming creatures, since we did not possess the wealth of instincts of our animal brothers. Habits turn into vices; it’s just a question of form.  Change calls to surface observation of those habits and which situations supports them ~

  Then of course, our associations and routines create more.  Discomfort calls us to adjust, but most oft ~ release.  The quest for improvement can be mostly

comprised of cleansing, of canceling an effect; I’ve read where in the ancient Aramaic that’s called forgiveness.  It's an uncomfortable experience, for we find it difficult to explain the vista from which a new horizon is viewed.  Sorrow, loss, reluctance, and lament vie for attention to influence choices.  Keep safe; keep dear; keep close; that is not the same as cherished character, the ultimate freedom to allow this thing we call ‘what is’ and not fear it as a measurement that is in some way refers to the quality of who we want others to think we are.  How can we hope to feel better when our efforts are focused and burdened with examining where we've been?  Rather than on where we are; the actual threshold to what we shall become.