Fragile High Self Esteem

I got an email informing me that several of my poems I submitted into contests early this summer had made it to final deliberation.  I was overjoyed.  Feeling a wave of accomplishment doesn’t mean I will ultimately win the coveted prize money; of which I couldn’t tell you what that was, I’d have to go back and look to see the actual amount of the award.  I recognized the elation that something like this can do for a creative artist.  In essences, the quest for an artist is to believe with certainty,

   “My work has demonstrated worth; to someone besides me.”

I wanted to drop a note to all of my fellow wordsmiths announcing that my work lives.  They would celebrate with me the good news as a family would learning of the birth of a child into the clan.  We’re all too familiar, to the point of personal cynicism, with obstacles and defeating potholes our dreams of acceptance bring; yet still we seek for the sake of knowing that good news is precious indeed.

   When I was studying positive psychology, we addressed the condition of high self esteem and low self esteem.  In the not too distant past, billions of dollars were invested in poor school districts in order to help boost the esteem of ghetto children.  It wasn’t until much later that it was discovered that the problem wasn’t about low self esteem, but rather, contingent high self esteem; fragile high self esteem, that is, esteem built on self deception.  That was the most devastating and destructive of all delusions.  It had terrible consequences whenever reality came around to disprove a condition necessary for high self esteem to exist. 

   Interesting as that was for me, it also contaminated my thrill of serendipity.   I had to check my enthusiasm based on suspicion of was I indulging a fragile high self esteem with perceptions of situational good luck? Perhaps I was just suffering what so many neophytes do when studying physical and psychological diseases and ailments?  You know, once you learn the symptoms, every sniffle you have is the vanguard of some dreaded malady.  As time continues, I can recognize the difference between false sense of importance and genuine boost from validation; “ the sweetest nectar to the human spirit.”  And right now, I don’t have to struggle with doubts over if I’m someone special; the simple fact is success has come my way.  Success is neutral to objective value…it’s for me to interpret what progress towards my dream is, and if it holds value for me; is it worthwhile or not? And yes, I can congratulate myself whenever I deem the effort was worth it.  Where MY recognition was all I was really looking forward to all along.