Turmoil

That’s my definition of today. 

Small details contribute to edge my usually optimistic disposition into the realm of gray.  My back hurts from over doing it at the gym. I’m looking for a job and that entails a rain of recruiting firms and work at home franchises who are seeking my investments…but no jobs.  Then an ongoing argument with the Defense Finance System that would take too much time to explain and in doing so, would tap my already ebbing emotional strength.

   I’m bummed.  And being that opens the door to turmoil.  I can’t control the rate or duration of this feeling of uncertainty.  Not that it’s personal, I know it isn’t.  Indifference never holds a grudge. 

  It’s a case of me stepping into the lime-light  of a process that is much like stepping on used gum.  It’s on my sole (duality here) and that’s all there is to say about it; I’m stuck in a net of delay intentionally set or not; I’m there.  Going down the road of deserving will only frustrate my efforts to dig the gum off with a twig I find along the roadside. 

  I feel the shift of my priorities and I’m disgruntled that I didn’t make them on purpose.  Yes, a victim of circumstances; and boy do I have issue with victimhood.  OK, so I’m gathering my command of situation and realizing I choose what mood I’ll meet the repairman with today.  Yes, along with the above irritants we’re having a fan being installed into the living room and one in the master bedroom today, lending yet an additional layer of stress onto a collective unwanted situation.  Is there a moral to this posting?  A thread shining some welcoming positive anecdote?  I can’t find any in my current grumbling. I have to go clean the outside ladder for the guy to hang the fans.

I’m sure there could be something redeeming….I’m just recognizing that challenge has come a’callin ..it’s my turn.

So Busy

To awaken and find a note of affection is like cookie dough...placed into the oven of our hearts it makes delightful treats for our day....

            Having a heart care...in what appears to be a cold and indifferent world is a big thing.  I don't know how many bother to take account of the positive aspects of their lives; in the form of people who are interested in their welfare...I'd suspect most don't even consider it unless a holiday or special event forces some kind of acknowledgment of appreciation.  And not out of arrogant entitlement either.  It’s just that so many seem to be so busy.  That word covers a host of self-inflicted wounding doesn't it?  Perhaps we should consider the word busy as a profanity; at the very least a cause for sorrow and remorse. 

Busy robs us of what is important in our existence.  It's used to shield us from responsibilities of tending our most important relationships.  It’s whipped out as an excuse for being late; or not attending at all, social events or celebration, gatherings, and festive galas; the very fabric of our family. 

   "Sorry I was busy and lost track" yes indeed.  And the use of it is insidious.  Like a cancer, it creeps into all aspects of our lives.  Once only used on rare occasions with our most beloved, liberally due to our feeling secure in their acceptance, then too soon to discover we are using the excuse more often without so much as a thought over why.  Like a ripple on a still pond~ it travels outward....

   "Sorry I got so busy"

   If not tending ones love ~ what else is so darn important? Tending the heart is a reverent thing for me.  Not a task of progressing towards a goal to be achieved, or out of an obligation to be met. Worse still, being present as the opportunity to pat myself on the back a deceptive self congratulations for projecting an image of being dependable and responsible. 

   Mine is the message and gift of appreciation.  In gratitude I tend my garden so that love has room to grow and blossom.  I am eager for its fragrance to waif on the warm summer breeze.  Or, in quite moments, like now; close my eyes and feel near.  Only in learning and knowing the details of our intimates can we experience private revelry.   Not just the details of the beloved face, or the date and place of their birth.  But to the depth of knowing where favored slippers rest.  Or is the water cup on the nightstand filled. What is more sacred than to have experienced the day’s last sigh from their lips? These are not so easily discerned, only revealed through time and attention. All foregone~ for the sake of busy.

            Certainly I can list my delights; some more private than others.  Learned by attending touch, and taste; the very smell of them. How their whisper invokes empathy, the awesome privilege of the feel of their tears.  How a shutter from the fear of being alone can be calmed by a warm embrace.  How they tease; how they pout. It seems to me, these facets would merit focus and attention for anyone who is interested.  As the practice art of desire to know the ways of love.  Such things are spinning in my conscious and subconscious.  So that I claim to be busy no more.  I have no room for it.  I'm decisively engaged in tending my love... my life 

First Things First

Sometimes events unfold in a peculiar way....out shopping at my local grocery store I notice the cost of my favorite labeled wine has gone up once again. I feel obligated to say out loud, and to no one in particular, my objection. In fact I do that even if there isn't anyone in the isle but me.

"When I starting buying this it was only...."

I left the amount and name of the brand obscured for two reasons. One, is I didn't want to reveal what a low-class-wino I've become, and secondly the details are insignificant if they don't propel the story along. I think I heard that in a creative writing class? Anyway, I'm off into the forest again and I need to come back to the sunlit path. Commenting on change. Yes, well as the years pile on I get more and more opportunity to take notice of how things used to be. Yes, I remember the invention of the Slurpee (now called Icee); Panty Hose; Disk Players (of every type, music first then video); and (drum roll please) the fasten your seatbelt campaign. No kidding, we owned cars without seat belts...Seat belts cost extra back when I was a kid.  Oddly they are still beating that seatbelt drum and I’m not convinced they’re making much more headway then back in the 60’s.

  Now it’s true I’m on a tangent because what I should be doing is brushing up my Resume. You see, I am, once again, at the threshold of finding employment. I have recently begun to have those sleep-interrupting thoughts at night about my past.

“Oh yes, I was the very first Financial Management Club vice president at Auburn University in Montgomery, that should be noted.” As exciting as that may strike the casual reader, the dulling truth in the rest of it is; that was back in 1985. Nineteen ANY NUMBER is over TWO decades ago…relevant? I think maybe not.

   So instead of reciting any relevant and recent achievements to laud over I’ve come to the realization that I just stopped keeping track. Perhaps once you start getting a list, you stop keeping score. I remember aching to have something to put on a Resume that made me look like an achiever. Now I can’t possibly squeeze all of my experience onto a page…or two….And frankly….most of that is a blur now and I’d be hard pressed to talk about it in any detail during an interview.

   “So tell me Mister Cuddy, about your entry of possessing a dozen tactical nuclear warheads? We don’t see a lot of that here at Ambercrombe, Finch, McLemore and Davis.”

   “Yes, well, there’s not a lot to really say, nor am I at liberty to tell you due to national security issues don’t you know. But I can tell you that they are warm to the touch.”

That may or may not get me a parking spot, but I’m not convinced that my evasiveness is something that would be welcomed.

   “I see here you say you have a cat that can fly? Tell me about that?”

  “Well I see we’re really getting into the trivial weed details here, so let me just say Obediah is an extraordinary cat who I rescued. I can’t go into the details because I am sworn to secrecy by the department of defense, but let me give you a hint that there are no cats on this planet quite like him” (I plan to look skyward and make circle gestures with my index finger).

I figure if I don’t torpedo the interview with that, then they are probably really desperate to fill a position that has been vacant for so long there is no continuity and I’ll have to start from scratch. So, that’s the place for me. I mean really, when you take a job with a desperate company, they’re nothing but appreciative; who doesn’t want that?

As for the boat loads of money?  Well first things first.