Lotto of a Lifetime

I've thought from time to time, what would my life pursuits be if I were not so consumed with maintaining my delicate balance of surviving? I do that most often when attempting to get my mind around winning the lotto. All of those petty little details that keep me moving through my day would be removed. I would no longer have to be attentive to making a living, as it were; by earning my keep. If the economic need were suddenly removed what would I spend my time doing?

  I would bring that topic to the table whenever the lotto pot got really big, like in the three digit millions.  It would annoy others when I’d continue to probe beyond obvious choices.

  “So what’d you do with all that money?”

  “Oh, I’d pay off all my debt”

  “And then what?”

  “Um, I’d buy a big house, and a car, yeah, an obscenely expensive car”

  “OK, and then what?”

  “Pay off all the debts of my mom and the rest of the family”

  “Sure; then what?

  “Travel the world”

  “OK, you do that for half a year and see every place you ever dreamed of, then   what?”

  “Um, I don’t know, set up college funds for all of my nieces and nephews, you know make sure everyone had what they wanted”

  “OK, let’s say all of that got done and you’ve spent all of two years doing that, then what would you do?”

Blank stare met by me sitting quietly smiling.

  “Oh screw you”

   The choices were often repeated, some went into a little more details of what they’d do in what order, but overall not by much. Point of this being beyond discovering a really neat tool to annoy others with, is that most of us are kept pretty busy with a relatively small list of necessities; and most of those revolve around lack.  We all have bills, but largely within our control, even if they’d require a concerted effort to retire, but they could be; and rather quickly~ if we didn’t continue to add to them.  Yet, by-and-large, we dream small.  Plus, those small dreams are so indescript and vague as to be really no dreams at all.  

A cabin in the woods when I retire was common amongst the guys I served with in the Army; a few of them actually followed through with that and purchased a cabin up in the mountains and lived a solitary life… for a year at best.  Just as travel, fishing, or fixing up the house all had an incredibly short shelf life before it was revealed to be incredibly boring.  It was true, I concluded, we identify with our struggles.  We define who we are by our lack.  We all had, at one time, life-time goals; but most of those had been used up by the age of 30.  Then there’s an oblique shift into maintenance of the status quo; with hopes there’s adequate fuel to make it to the finish line: retirement, where the fog of after-that exist without need to define.

   Once the race to retirement has been won, few have insight into anything more than a vague idea of what they’d like to do; for most they default to travel…where? They haven’t a clue.  Have they cultivated a language or appreciation of another culture to involve themselves with? Nope, it’s a fuzzy idea of possible choice much like winning the lotto.  As so many default into concluding, once they’ve spent all of the ready-at-hand reflex choices,
   “I’ll figure out what I will do once I get there”

We don’t plan because we forgot how to dream; or worst of conditions, we were too busy to continue to dream well.  For those that do dream, they can only dream in small ill-defined fashion.  

There’s impoverished, and then there’s destitute.  Lots of time is spent on discussing how to make a living, but scarcely anything is shown on how to live well.

To Fear Not

At this grim time, in the wake of wanton violence and heart wrenching loss is opportunity to address gratitude ~

An open heart allows life to usher in the power of love, so we share everything that can be experienced; thrill and despair are both conditions of the human experience. And what we share is how we allow feelings to affect each personal pathway towards awareness of the genuine nature of who we authentically are.  It is of no real consequence to exist in an environment without challenge; where is the growth?

   Often we call for companionship, which serves amongst other things, an objective validation to our observations; it quiets doubts.  As often we may ask during our seeking out honesty...'did I really do that?' or ‘did this horrible thing really happen?’ We hope for another’s view, a reflection, an observer cultivated and nurtured by us to serve as compass  and comfort when we become disoriented; seeking to find one free of judgment or harmful suggestions  to us our dread of lacking or inadequacy. As we hope, this practice provides to our hesitancy a most sacred perfume of treasured 'helpful guidance'. 

   This may very well be our conscious underlying course, to follow the scent, our gravitation towards wisdom's truth.  It’s a project of invested interest as rewarded consequence, a sharing value of reciprocation; the short summation is someone to dry our tears, to hold our embrace.  Love is desire at the same opportune time as what our beloved wants for themselves.  We desire, as we do, without effort or prescribing thought, another to be true to us. It is our expression of our love of self through them. 

Now, I'm not all set to make a statement of either /or, since love expressed is construction of positive energy in the world; often as not by lingering in the contrast of ruination; as if to show a way out of anguish.  Save for me this appreciation. And that would be, those we embrace and endear are the primers to our resolve; given to care.  Having this, provides a new meaning to loving well.  We invest our hearts, we produce its gift. I cherish the wisdom providing me confidence to respond to the offer of love; 

abandoning fright under the welcoming banner to fear not as well as no longer requiring loss in order for me to experience gratitude.

Just Like That

  He sent an email telling of how he and his wife had finished decorating their home for the holiday season.  His colleague from college replied saying she could hardly wait until one day she too would have a home to decorate.

   “I know, you’re probably thinking ‘you say that now” she wrote, but then continued in a teasing manner; 

“My house will be shining or gleaming at every window and every corner you turn, a golden humming bird will greet you with beauty.”

   He responded that he would not wish to destroy such enthusiasm with a cascade of all the challenges that keeping a house in good repair demanded; nor would he mention the many headaches and heartaches that accompanied those lofty life goals a girl of her age cultivates.; marriage, children, and yes the house with an idyllic white picket fence.  Instead he encouraged her to dream on.

    Then she wrote of accepting a retail job, work far from her education and degree.  She felt as if she were losing ground by accepting the job because it was necessary. Feeling the decision was taking her in a direction she didn't plot for her life; she felt a bit embarrassed.  He replied to her trepidation with a snippet from his own personal adventure;

  “Here's a tale you might find amusing. While I was attending Auburn I worked in the University bookstore, in the shipping and receiving department. One day the manager of the bookstore came to the back dock and asked me to come with him; there were some things at the administration building he needed help bringing to the store. While we were walking to the administration building I made small talk and asked him how it was he became manager of the book store. He said,

   "Doing what you are"

   He went on to explain that he too worked in the bookstore when he was attending Auburn years ago, back when he was a young accounting student. It just so happened many years later while working for the state, he got a call from someone he knew from college. The friend told him of the opening at the bookstore, and told him to apply for the job. His acquaintance thought he'd do well and best of all, was in a position to influence the selection process.  Having the experience of how it generally worked, he thought, "why not?"  The overarching moral of this story is; I learned back in 1985...yes, your parents were still chewing bubble gum back then, but a professor told us business students that less than fifteen per cent of us would be working in our field of study five years from graduation. Less than fifteen percent would be practicing the trade we were dedicating ourselves to mastering.  So when you work, then you become known...and with that the marvel and magic of the unknown begins to weave you into your story....continue to be as enchanting as you are and you will find your way to where you'll end up....hopefully as you wish, in a home that glows golden light onto the street with its overwhelming welcome to loving well. Perhaps also, some young girl passing by in the early winter evening just before the holidays will see that display and she will whisper a promise to herself no one else will hear.

"One day, I'm going to have a home just-like-that"

I see you.